Tired of Angry Women? Maybe You Can Help...

Photo of a female bird squawking at a male bird. Photo credit: Katy Wills

If you have ever wondered about "angry women", I would like to share a recent story to give some understanding behind the anger.

Before I tell the story, I'll say that I strive not to be angry, to be solution-oriented, and to bridge gaps, rather than burn bridges. I hope in sharing this, it can provide insight behind why, at least I, am sometimes unable to control my anger.

As background, we have a rental property in Portugal that is part of our retirement investment portfolio. We are unable to visit regularly, so we have an excellent property manager who handles our rentals and also takes care of the property.

Recently she wrote me that there was water damage in the ceiling of our property (I handle all the communication with them in general and we have an excellent relationship), sharing pictures, and asking how it should be handled.

I reviewed it in the evening with my husband on the responsibility (us, versus the condominium association) and we agreed that it is the condominium association.

I forwarded the email from our property manager and asked the head of the condominium association to address it promptly. This was middle of last week.

I realized after I sent the email that our property manager had already sent her email both to me and the head at the beginning of last week..

No response to either.

My husband and I talked about it over the weekend and I suggested that he might try reaching out, as perhaps there would be a better response to a man.

Yesterday, he wrote an email to the head, with a very similar tone to mine.

Guess how long the response took?

A half day?

A few hours?

An hour?

No, eight (8) minutes!

Eight minutes.

Of course it was apologetic with all kinds of reasons for the delay, but it also completely ignored me and our property manager. It addressed only my husband, as if our requests never happened or we don't exist.

I might have forgiven the discrepancy in replying if the property manager and I were acknowledged. Instead, I interpreted it that we didn't matter, that our existence and our attempts to raise the issue were inconsequential.

I'm sure it wasn't his intention, but it was his action.

I'm also certain that this isn't a Portuguese specific behavior. It happens every day, around the world. At least over the years, I have encountered similar behavior on at least four continents.

And in complete transparency, I'm guilty of it too.

I realized when I did Jeanetta Darno’s Inclusive Leadership Academy that one of my stronger biases was gender. I implicitly trusted men more than women. I perceived them as more competent and carrying more authority. The biases that I thought I carried were less prevalent.

I was shocked. How could I be biased against my own gender? Especially after all the years I had spent trying to prove that a young woman, and then a middle-aged woman, belonged in automotive system and software development.

From the time I did that assessment, I have been working with my own bias.

When we know our biases, we can own them. We can work with them. We can realize when they hurt us and others around us.

I often hear "I don't have any biases." Unfortunately, we all do. And denying bias gives it more power over us.

We all have biases; it's the simple reality of how our brain functions and processes the incredibly large amount of data that it encounters each and every day. If we didn't have biases, we wouldn't function.

But if we don't know what our biases are, they control us. When we know what they are, we have a chance to control them.

Biases are even more scary when they are perpetuated and trained into technology, as is happening more and more with the increasing prevalence of artificial intelligence in our daily lives and work. Computer programs act as they are trained, humans tend to act more erratically as our own training is so vastly different and influenced by so many factors (read No Two Alike to learn more about how even conjoined twins have different personalities despite going through life connected to one another.)

Would you like to start working to understand your own biases? You can do this:

1. On your own. If cost or time are a hindrance for you, you can explore biases in several ways:

   1. Read Adam Grant’s Think Again book

   2. Take the Harvard Implicit Assessment tests. I encourage you to take at least 3-5 different assessments, as sometimes your bias is a surprise (it was for me!) Challenge yourself with this and be open to the input.

   3. Watch Valerie Alexander’s TEDx Talk on How to Outsmart Your Own Unconscious Bias or take my Recruiting 101 class to understand how bias may influence your interviewing

2. Within a team or group with a facilitator - I would love to work with you and your team using the right framework or tool to meet the needs of your team. My configurable Be a Better Team helps your team start where they are and work towards greater understanding and psychological safety. See the Difference that education and understanding bring to take your team to a higher performance level!

3. With an individual coach - I understand that exploring our own bias is hard to do. It can be especially hard in work, where the stakes are high and we are conscious of potential consequence that could come from honest exploration and curiosity. Through individual coaching, you have a safe space to explore and work with your biases to take control of them, rather than let them unconsciously control you.

   
   

Reach out for a complimentary discussion how you or your team can work towards understanding and managing your biases.